Monday, May 02, 2005

A Little Moody Right Now...

I just finished watching the movie 'Elektra' and I got moody... The movie 'Hero' made me cry. I also rented 'House of Flying Daggers'. I don't know if I can keep doing this to myself! I'll watch Alien Vs Predator first, I know, but I will definitely finish tonight with 'HFD'. Maybe cry myself to sleep. I heard that it is also a chick-flick. The epic battles between good and evil, right versus wrong and my own inner demons wage their own wars within me and make me moody. I want to be a good father. I want to be a good husband. I want to be an innately good person but deep down inside, I always feel somehow not worthy. Not good enough. I have personal issues with religion and the premise to always do the best that we can even though we know that we can never be perfect. Strive for perfection? Why? I just want to be a good dad! Am I good enough? I don't feel like I do enough. I adore my family. I really do. Do they feel that I am adequate? Do they feel like I am doing a good job? I certainly hope so and time will tell.

I am headed to China in two days time. Growing up, I have always wanted to be a Kung-Fu master! I wanted to travel to the original Shaolin temples in the remote mountains of China and live there for years learning their ancient ways. Their beliefs have always intrigued me. The American movies that I have seen have fueled my imagination even though I know that those things are just mysticism and tall tales. Nevertheless, I am in awe of traveling to this far and distant enchanted and exotic place. The birthplace of my daughter Le Mei. What treasures will she hold? What kind of happiness will she bring with her enchanting smile? Will I be good enough? I will be there for only ten short days and I plan to make the most of it! I will immerse myself in its culture and learn as much as I can. I feel that I am at the beginning of a new and exciting journey! Perhaps I am. Time will tell. Nothing can stop me know. I feel almost invincible! Catarina Nicole Le Mei Morales will show me the way! Kim and Dallas will stand by my side! I can do no wrong with them by my side. The religion part will fall into place in due time, I know. I will vanquish my inner demons and finally be at peace with myself. I am not perfect but I will certainly do my best. I owe my family at least that much.

I am Nixy Jose Morales

No comments: